Child Abuse and Neglect
Recognizing
and Preventing Child Abuse
Child abuse is more than bruises or
broken bones. While physical abuse is shocking due to the scars it leaves, not
all child abuse is as obvious. Ignoring children’s needs, putting them in
unsupervised, dangerous situations, or making a child feel worthless or stupid
are also child abuse. Regardless of the type of child abuse, the result is
serious emotional harm.
Myths
and facts about child abuse and neglect
MYTH #1: It's only abuse if it's
violent.
Fact: Physical abuse is just one type of child abuse. Neglect and
emotional abuse can be just as damaging, and since they are more subtle, others
are less likely to intervene.
MYTH #2: Only bad people abuse their
children.
Fact: While it's easy to say that only "bad people"
abuse their children, it's not always so black and white. Not all abusers are
intentionally harming their children. Many have been victims of abuse
themselves, and don’t know any other way to parent. Others may be struggling
with mental health issues or a substance abuse problem.
MYTH #3: Child abuse doesn't happen
in “good” families.
Fact: Child abuse doesn't only happen in poor families or bad
neighborhoods. It crosses all racial, economic, and cultural lines. Sometimes,
families who seem to have it all from the outside are hiding a different story
behind closed doors.
MYTH #4: Most child abusers are
strangers.
Fact: While abuse by strangers does happen, most abusers are
family members or others close to the family.
MYTH #5: Abused children always grow
up to be abusers.
Fact: It is true that abused children are more likely to repeat
the cycle as adults, unconsciously repeating what they experienced as children.
On the other hand, many adult survivors of child abuse have a strong motivation
to protect their children against what they went through and become excellent
parents.
All types of child abuse and neglect
leave lasting scars. Some of these scars might be physical, but emotional
scarring has long lasting effects throughout life, damaging a child’s sense of
self, ability to have healthy relationships, and ability to function at home,
at work and at school. Some effects include:
- Lack of trust and relationship difficulties. If you can’t trust your parents, who can you trust?
Abuse by a primary caregiver damages the most fundamental relationship as
a child—that you will safely, reliably get your physical and emotional
needs met by the person who is responsible for your care. Without this
base, it is very difficult to learn to trust people or know who is
trustworthy. This can lead to difficulty maintaining relationships due to
fear of being controlled or abused. It can also lead to unhealthy
relationships because the adult doesn’t know what a good relationship is.
- Core feelings of being “worthless” or “damaged.” If you’ve been told over and over again as a child that
you are stupid or no good, it is very difficult to overcome these core
feelings. You may experience them as reality. Adults may not strive for
more education, or settle for a job that may not pay enough, because they
don’t believe they can do it or are worth more. Sexual abuse
survivors, with the stigma and shame surrounding the abuse, often
especially struggle with a feeling of being damaged.
- Trouble regulating emotions. Abused children cannot express emotions safely. As a result, the emotions get stuffed down, coming out in unexpected ways. Adult survivors of child abuse can struggle with unexplained anxiety, depression, or anger. They may turn to alcohol or drugs to numb out the painful feelings.
There are several types of child
abuse, but the core element that ties them together is the emotional effect on
the child. Children need predictability, structure, clear boundaries, and the
knowledge that their parents are looking out for their safety. Abused children
cannot predict how their parents will act. Their world is an unpredictable,
frightening place with no rules. Whether the abuse is a slap, a harsh comment,
stony silence, or not knowing if there will be dinner on the table tonight, the
end result is a child that feel unsafe, uncared for, and alone.
Emotional
child abuse
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words will never hurt me? Contrary to this old saying, emotional abuse can
severely damage a child’s mental health or social development, leaving lifelong
psychological scars. Examples of emotional child abuse include:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating a child.
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to
others.
- Telling a child he or she is “no good,"
"worthless," "bad," or "a mistake."
- Frequent yelling, threatening, or bullying.
- Ignoring or rejecting a child as punishment, giving him
or her the silent treatment.
- Limited physical contact with the child—no hugs,
kisses, or other signs of affection.
- Exposing the child to violence or the abuse of others, whether it be the abuse of a parent, a sibling, or even a pet.
Child
neglect
Child neglect—a very common type of
child abuse—is a pattern of failing to provide for a child's basic needs,
whether it be adequate food, clothing, hygiene, or supervision. Child neglect
is not always easy to spot. Sometimes, a parent might become physically or
mentally unable to care for a child, such as with a serious injury, untreated
depression, or anxiety. Other times, alcohol or drug abuse may seriously impair
judgment and the ability to keep a child safe.
Older children might not show
outward signs of neglect, becoming used to presenting a competent face to the
outside world, and even taking on the role of the parent. But at the end of the
day, neglected children are not getting their physical and emotional needs met.
Physical
child abuse
Physical abuse involves physical
harm or injury to the child. It may be the result of a deliberate attempt to
hurt the child, but not always. It can also result from severe discipline, such
as using a belt on a child, or physical punishment that is inappropriate to the
child’s age or physical condition.
Many physically abusive parents and
caregivers insist that their actions are simply forms of discipline—ways to
make children learn to behave. But there is a big difference between using
physical punishment to discipline and physical abuse. The point of disciplining
children is to teach them right from wrong, not to make them live in fear.
Physical
abuse vs. Discipline
In physical abuse, unlike physical
forms of discipline, the following elements are present:
- Unpredictability.
The child never knows what is going to set the parent off. There are no
clear boundaries or rules. The child is constantly walking on eggshells,
never sure what behavior will trigger a physical assault.
- Lashing out in anger.
Physically abusive parents act out of anger and the desire to assert
control, not the motivation to lovingly teach the child. The angrier the
parent, the more intense the abuse.
- Using fear to control behavior. Parents who are physically abusive may believe that their children need to fear them in order to behave, so they use physical abuse to “keep their child in line.” However, what children are really learning is how to avoid being hit, not how to behave or grow as individuals.
Help
for child sexual abuse:
Child sexual abuse is an especially complicated form of abuse because of its layers of guilt and shame. It's important to recognize that sexual abuse doesn't always involve body contact. Exposing a child to sexual situations or material is sexually abusive, whether or not touching is involved.
While news stories of sexual
predators are scary, what is even more frightening is that sexual abuse usually
occurs at the hands of someone the child knows and should be able to trust—most
often close relatives. And contrary to what many believe, it’s not just girls
who are at risk. Boys and girls both suffer from sexual abuse. In fact, sexual
abuse of boys may be underreported due to shame and stigma.
The
problem of shame and guilt in child sexual abuse
Aside from the physical damage that
sexual abuse can cause, the emotional component is powerful and far-reaching.
Sexually abused children are tormented by shame and guilt. They may feel that
they are responsible for the abuse or somehow brought it upon themselves. This
can lead to self-loathing and sexual problems as they grow older—often either
excessive promiscuity or an inability to have intimate relations.
The shame of sexual abuse makes it
very difficult for children to come forward. They may worry that others won’t
believe them, will be angry with them, or that it will split their family
apart. Because of these difficulties, false accusations of sexual abuse are not
common, so if a child confides in you, take him or her seriously. Don’t turn a
blind eye!
The earlier child abuse is caught,
the better the chance of recovery and appropriate treatment for the child.
Child abuse is not always obvious. By learning some of the common warning signs
of child abuse and neglect, you can catch the problem as early as possible and
get both the child and the abuser the help that they need.
Of course, just because you see a
warning sign doesn’t automatically mean a child is being abused. It’s important
to dig deeper, looking for a pattern of abusive behavior and warning signs, if
you notice something off.
Warning
signs of emotional abuse in children
- Excessively withdrawn, fearful, or anxious about doing
something wrong.
- Shows extremes in behavior (extremely compliant or extremely
demanding; extremely passive or extremely aggressive).
- Doesn’t seem to be attached to the parent or caregiver.
- Acts either inappropriately adult (taking care of other children) or inappropriately infantile (rocking, thumb-sucking, throwing tantrums).
Warning
signs of physical abuse in children
- Frequent injuries or unexplained bruises, welts, or
cuts.
- Is always watchful and “on alert,” as if waiting for
something bad to happen.
- Injuries appear to have a pattern such as marks from a
hand or belt.
- Shies away from touch, flinches at sudden movements, or
seems afraid to go home.
- Wears inappropriate clothing to cover up injuries, such as long-sleeved shirts on hot days.
Warning
signs of neglect in children
- Clothes are ill-fitting, filthy, or inappropriate for
the weather.
- Hygiene is consistently bad (unbathed, matted and
unwashed hair, noticeable body odor).
- Untreated illnesses and physical injuries.
- Is frequently unsupervised or left alone or allowed to play
in unsafe situations and environments.
- Is frequently late or missing from school.
Warning
signs of sexual abuse in children
- Trouble walking or sitting.
- Displays knowledge or interest in sexual acts
inappropriate to his or her age, or even seductive behavior.
- Makes strong efforts to avoid a specific person,
without an obvious reason.
- Doesn’t want to change clothes in front of others or
participate in physical activities.
- An STD or pregnancy, especially under the age of 14.
- Runs away from home.
Child
abuse and reactive attachment disorder
Severe abuse early in life can lead
to reactive attachment disorder. Children with this disorder are so disrupted
that they have extreme difficulty establishing normal relationships and
attaining normal developmental milestones. They need special treatment and
support. Learn more
While child abuse and neglect occurs
in all types of families—even in those that look happy from the
outside—children are at a much greater risk in certain situations.
- Domestic violence. Witnessing
domestic violence is terrifying to children and emotionally abusive. Even
if the mother does her best to protect her children and keeps them from
being physically abused, the situation is still extremely damaging. If you
or a loved one is in an abusive relationships, getting out is the best
thing for protecting the children.
- Alcohol and drug abuse. Living with an alcoholic or addict is very difficult
for children and can easily lead to abuse and neglect. Parents who are
drunk or high are unable to care for their children, make good parenting
decisions, and control often-dangerous impulses. Substance abuse also
commonly leads to physical abuse.
- Untreated mental illness. Parents who suffering from depression, an anxiety
disorder, bipolar disorder, or another mental illness have trouble taking
care of themselves, much less their children. A mentally ill or
traumatized parent may be distant and withdrawn from his or her children,
or quick to anger without understanding why. Treatment for the caregiver
means better care for the children.
- Lack of parenting skills. Some caregivers never learned the skills necessary for
good parenting. Teen parents, for example, might have unrealistic
expectations about how much care babies and small children need. Or
parents who were themselves victims of child abuse may only know how to
raise their children the way they were raised. In such cases, parenting
classes, therapy, and caregiver support groups are great resources for
learning better parenting skills.
- Stress and lack of support. Parenting can be a very time-intensive, difficult job, especially if you’re raising children without support from family, friends, or the community or you’re dealing with relationship problems or financial difficulties. Caring for a child with a disability, special needs, or difficult behaviors is also a challenge. It’s important to get the support you need, so you are emotionally and physically able to support your child.
If
you need professional help...
Do you feel angry and frustrated and
don’t know where to turn? In the U.S., call 1-800-4-A-CHILD to find
support and resources in your community that can help you break the cycle of
abuse.
Do you see yourself in some of these
descriptions, painful as it may be? Do you feel angry and frustrated and don’t
know where to turn? Raising children is one of life’s greatest challenges and
can trigger anger and frustration in the most even tempered. If you grew up in
a household where screaming and shouting or violence was the norm, you may not
know any other way to raise your kids.
Recognizing that you have a problem
is the biggest step to getting help. If you yourself were raised in an abusive
situation, that can be extremely difficult. Children experience their world as
normal. It may have been normal in your family to be slapped or pushed for
little to no reason, or that mother was too drunk to cook dinner. It may have
been normal for your parents to call you stupid, clumsy, or worthless. Or it
may have been normal to watch your mother get beaten up by your father.
It is only as adults that we have the
perspective to step back and take a hard look at what is normal and what is
abusive. Read the above sections on the types of abuse and warning signs. Do
any of those ring a bell for you now? Or from when you were a child? The
following is a list of warning signs that you may be crossing the line into
abuse:
How
do you know when you’ve crossed the line?
- You can’t stop the anger. What starts as a swat on the backside may turn into
multiple hits getting harder and harder. You may shake your child harder
and harder and finally throw him or her down. You find yourself screaming
louder and louder and can’t stop yourself.
- You feel emotionally disconnected from your child. You may feel so overwhelmed that you don’t want
anything to do with your child. Day after day, you just want to be left
alone and for your child to be quiet.
- Meeting the daily needs of your child seems impossible. While everyone struggles with balancing dressing,
feeding, and getting kids to school or other activities, if you
continually can’t manage to do it, it’s a sign that something might be
wrong.
- Other people have expressed concern. It may be easy to bristle at other people expressing concern. However, consider carefully what they have to say. Are the words coming from someone you normally respect and trust? Denial is not an uncommon reaction.
If you have a history of child abuse,
having your own children can trigger strong memories and feelings that you may
have repressed. This may happen when a child is born, or at later ages when you
remember specific abuse to you. You may be shocked and overwhelmed by your anger, and feel like you can’t control it. But you can learn new
ways to manage your emotions and break your old patterns.
Remember, you are the most important
person in your child’s world. It’s worth the effort to make a change, and you
don’t have to go it alone. Help and support are available.
Tips
for changing your reactions
- Learn what is age appropriate and what is not. Having realistic expectations of what children can
handle at certain ages will help you avoid frustration and anger at normal
child behavior. For example, newborns are not going to sleep through the
night without a peep, and toddlers are not going to be able to sit quietly
for extended periods of time.
- Develop new parenting skills. While learning to control your emotions is critical,
you also need a game plan of what you are going to do instead. Start by
learning appropriate discipline techniques and how to set clear boundaries
for your children. Parenting classes, books, and seminars are a way to get
this information. You can also turn to other parents for tips and advice.
- Take care of yourself. If you are not getting enough rest and support or
you’re feeling overwhelmed, you are much more likely to succumb to anger.
Sleep deprivation, common in parents of young children, adds to moodiness
and irritability—exactly what you are trying to avoid.
- Get professional help. Breaking the cycle of abuse can be very difficult if
the patterns are strongly entrenched. If you can’t seem to stop yourself
no matter how hard you try, it’s time to get help, be it therapy,
parenting classes, or other interventions. Your children will thank you
for it.
- Learn how you can get your emotions under control. The first step to getting your emotions under control is realizing that they are there. If you were abused as a child, you may have an especially difficult time getting in touch with your range of emotions. You may have had to deny or repress them as a child, and now they spill out without your control.
What should you do if you suspect
that a child has been abused? How do you approach him or her? Or what if a
child comes to you? It’s normal to feel a little overwhelmed and confused in
this situation. Child abuse is a difficult subject that can be hard to accept
and even harder to talk about.
Just remember, you can make a
tremendous difference in the life of an abused child, especially if you take
steps to stop the abuse early. When talking with an abused child, the best
thing you can provide is calm reassurance and unconditional support. Let your
actions speak for you if you’re having trouble finding the words. Remember that
talking about the abuse may be very difficult for the child. It’s your job to
reassure the child and provide whatever help you can.
Tips
for talking to an abused child
- Avoid denial and remain calm. A common reaction to news as unpleasant and shocking
as child abuse is denial. However, if you display denial to a child, or
show shock or disgust at what they are saying, the child may be afraid to
continue and will shut down. As hard as it may be, remain as calm and
reassuring as you can.
- Don’t interrogate.
Let the child explain to you in his or her own words what happened, but
don’t interrogate the child or ask leading questions. This may confuse and
fluster the child and make it harder for them to continue their story.
- Reassure the child that they did nothing wrong. It takes a lot for a child to come forward about
abuse. Reassure him or her that you take what is said seriously, and that
it is not the child’s fault.
- Safety comes first. If you feel that your safety or the safety of the child would be threatened if you try to intervene, leave it to the professionals. You may be able to provide more support later after the initial professional intervention.
If you suspect a child is being
abused, it’s critical to get them the help he or she needs. Reporting child
abuse seems so official. Many people are reluctant to get involved in other
families’ lives.
Understanding some of the myths
behind reporting may help put your mind at ease if you need to report child
abuse
- I don’t want to interfere in someone else’s family. The effects of child abuse are lifelong, affecting
future relationships, self-esteem, and sadly putting even more children at
risk of abuse as the cycle continues. Help break the cycle of child abuse.
- What if I break up someone’s home? The priority in child protective services is keeping
children in the home. A child abuse report does not mean a child is
automatically removed from the home - unless the child is clearly in
danger. Support such as parenting classes, anger management or other
resources may be offered first to parents if safe for the child.
- They will know it was me who called. Reporting is anonymous. In most states, you do not have
to give your name when you report child abuse. The child abuser cannot
find out who made the report of child abuse.
- It won’t make a difference what I have to say. If you have a gut feeling that something is wrong, it
is better to be safe than sorry. Even if you don’t see the whole picture,
others may have noticed as well, and a pattern can help identify child
abuse that might have otherwise slipped through the cracks.
